Parenting through divorce is never easy. But when teens start making their own choices and an ex will not play along, the emotional drain can be severe. What begins as a wish for easy co-parenting can soon become a war of conflict, heartache, and difficult decisions.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Parenting Through Divorce
Divorce impacts the entire family, not only the couple. And when teens are part of the mix, everything gets heightened. One mother, Lauren, explained how heartbroken she was when her teens decided to live with their father, even after all her years of effort, care, and concern. She could only stand idly by while they drifted away from her at a time in life when she felt they needed clear direction most. Her narrative is a strong reminder that even the most dedicated parents can feel left behind when family life changes suddenly.
Lauren: “They are slipping away from me and I cannot prevent it.”
When Teenagers Take Sides: A Parent’s Agony
Adolescents naturally push boundaries, but divorce can increase their need to be independent and occasionally rebellious. Lauren’s kids opted to stay with their father, who was tempting them with more relaxed rules and a go-with-the-flow attitude. She, meanwhile, was struggling to bring order, establish healthy boundaries, and promote responsibility. Her ex, meanwhile, was being more of a “Disney Dad,” providing freedom and little accountability. The lack of balance left Lauren isolated and worn out. When she proposed parent coaching to bring about cohesion, her ex scoffed at it.
Lauren: “I have spent my entire life raising these children, and now at the most critical juncture where they need firm parental direction, they have left.”
The Limits of Co-Parenting: When Collaboration Falls Apart
The concept of co-parenting—collaborating for the children’s sake—sounds wonderful. But from therapist Virginia Gilbert, it only succeeds if both parents are committed to fostering their children’s relationships with both parents and honoring each other’s place. Some exes remain trapped in bitterness or blame, and turn parenting into a war, though. When this happens, rather than cooperation, parents find themselves trying to sabotage one another, and co-parenting is out of the question.
Virginia Gilbert: “High-conflict exes are on a mission to invalidate the other parent.”
Parallel Parenting: Letting Go and Finding Peace
When co-parenting isn’t possible, parallel parenting provides a calmer direction. It’s founded on the concept of radical acceptance—relinquishing the expectation that your ex will instantly be easy to work with. Parallel parenting minimizes conflict by keeping communication to logistics and enabling each parent to manage their household separately. That includes fewer decisions together, reduced contact (often via text or email), and no combined appearances at events. It’s also about actively engaging with schools and therapists so your voice remains in the support system of your child.
Virginia Gilbert: “Parallel Parenting is radical acceptance. It means letting go of fighting reality.”
Having Boundaries with Teens and Exes
Boundaries are important. And that means with your kids, too, not only your ex. Therapist Kate O’Brien advises parents to be concise and direct. If someone goes too far, it’s acceptable to say no firmly without having to explain. It’s natural for individuals to respond with hurt or anger, but it isn’t your responsibility to regulate everyone else’s emotions—it’s to safeguard your welfare.
Kate O’Brien: “No is a complete sentence.”
Letting Go of Guilt and Control
It’s painful to watch your child make decisions you think might not be in their best interest. The guilt and sadness can be overwhelming. But parallel parenting requires that you acknowledge you can’t control what goes on in your ex’s house. You won’t be able to keep tabs on every rule, curfew, or wardrobe choice. What you do is address your relationship with your child, your values, and your mental well-being. When children grumble about the other family’s rules, teach them to speak directly with the other parent instead of jumping in. This resilience helps them resolve conflict on their own.
Virginia Gilbert: “Parallel Parenting requires letting go of what happens in the other parent’s home.”
Helping Kids Thrive Through Parental Differences
Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. They can cope with having different expectations in two different homes, and what is most important is keeping them out of the middle. If you set an example for them about what healthy boundaries, emotional maturity, and open communication are, they’re more likely to feel stable, even when things around them are uncertain. This path is not simple, yet with time, it’s possible to achieve a new type of balance—one where both child and parent can keep growing post-divorce.
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