Grief is a powerful, universal emotion that everyone will experience at some point in their lives. Whether the cause of grief is the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or any other form of loss, grief is an unavoidable part of our life and human emotions. It can feel overwhelming, disorienting, and isolating. However, it’s important to know that stages of grief, as it is not a linear process, and it often unfolds in different ways for different people.
One widely accepted way to understand grief is through the concept of the stages of grief. The stages of grief are a model that helps to break down the emotional, mental, and physical experiences associated with loss. These stages, first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, have been used to help individuals cope with their own grief or understand what others may be going through. While no two people experience grief in the same way, the stages of grief provide a helpful framework for processing these intense emotions.
Are There 5 or 7 Stages of Grief?
In 1969, Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published her groundbreaking book On Death and Dying, where she introduced the now-famous five stages of grief. Kübler-Ross observed that these stages were experienced by individuals diagnosed with terminal illnesses, but over time, they were expanded to include a broader range of losses.
The five stages of grief that Kübler-Ross identified are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Later, additional stages were proposed to create a seven-stage model that aimed to better reflect the complexities of grief. These seven stages of grief include:
- Shock and Denial
- Pain and Guilt
- Anger and Bargaining
- Depression
- The Upward Turn
- Reconstruction and Working Through
- Acceptance and Hope
While the expanded seven-stage model provides more nuance to the experience of grief, it’s important to remember that grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Some individuals may only go through a few of the stages of grief, while others may move through them in a different order. The process is highly personal, and there’s no “right” way to grieve.
The 5 Stages of Grief
The five stages of grief were originally devised to describe as the emotional journey of individuals facing terminal illnesses. However, these stages have been applied to many different types of loss. Let’s take a closer look at each of the five stages of grief.
Stage 1: Denial
Denial is often the first stage of grief. When we experience a significant loss, it can feel so overwhelming that our mind and body try to shield us from the full weight of the emotions involved. Denial is a defense mechanism that helps us to cope with the initial shock of the loss.
During this stage, individuals may refuse to accept the reality of the loss. They may act as though nothing has changed, or they might experience a sense of disbelief. This can be a temporary response that helps the individual gradually come to terms with the situation.
Examples of the denial stage of grief include:
- Breakup or Divorce: “It’s just a phase. We’ll work through it.”
- Death of a Loved One: “She can’t be gone. This can’t be happening.”
- Job Loss: “I’ll get a call any day now. This mistake will be fixed.”
Stage 2: Anger
As denial begins to fade, anger often takes its place. This stage of grief can be intense, as the individual may feel helpless, frustrated and even feel upset. Anger in this stage may be directed at the person who has caused the loss, at others who seem unaffected, or even at oneself.
Anger is often a way of hiding the deeper, more vulnerable emotions of sadness, fear or helplessness. It’s important to note that while anger can feel intense, it’s simply another stage in the grieving process.
Examples of the anger stage of grief include:
- Breakup or Divorce: “How could he do this to me? I don’t deserve this!”
- Death of a Loved One: “Why did this have to happen to them? It’s so unfair!”
- Job Loss: “I worked so hard for this company. They don’t deserve me!”
Stage 3: Bargaining
Bargaining is the third stage of grief, where individuals begin to make deals or promises in an attempt to reverse or mitigate the loss. People may experience “what if” or “if only” thoughts, wondering if things would have turned out differently if they had acted differently.
During the bargaining stage, individuals might attempt to negotiate with a higher power or make promises to change their behavior if only the loss could be undone or lessened. This stage often represents a sense of desperation to regain control or to avoid the painful emotions that are beginning to surface.
Examples of the bargaining stage of grief include:
- Breakup or Divorce: “If I could just get another chance, I would do everything differently.”
- Death of a Loved One: “If I had been there more, would they still be alive?”
- Job Loss: “If I work harder, maybe I’ll prove myself valuable enough to keep my job.”
Stage 4: Depression
Depression is the fourth stage of grief. In this stage, individuals may feel high with sadness, loss of interest and a sense of hopelessness. This is often the stage where the full weight of the loss is felt, and it can be a time of deep emotional damage.
Unlike anger, which can feel active, depression often feels like an emotional “numbness.” It can feel like a dark cloud that won’t lift, and the individual may run away from others, feeling that no one can truly understand what they’re going through.
Examples of the depression stage of grief include:
- Breakup or Divorce: “I don’t know how I can move on from this. I feel so empty.”
- Death of a Loved One: “How can I live without them? What’s the point of anything now?”
- Job Loss: “I feel worthless. My whole identity is gone.”
Stage 5: Acceptance
The final stage of grief is acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean that the pain or sadness is gone, but it represents a shift in how the individual sees the loss. They come to terms with the reality of what has happened and begin to adjust to life without the person, job, or situation that has been lost.
In this stage, individuals may start to find new meaning in their lives and gain a sense of peace. Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean that the individual is “over” their grief, but rather that they’ve reached a place where they can acknowledge the reality of the situation and begin to move forward.
Examples of the acceptance stage of grief include:
- Breakup or Divorce: “I know I’ll be OK on my own, and I’ll eventually find happiness again.”
- Death of a Loved One: “I’m so grateful for the time we had together, and I’ll carry their memory with me forever.”
- Job Loss: “I’m starting to explore new opportunities and create a new path for myself.”
The 7 Stages of Grief
Along with the five stages of grief are widely recognized, its further expanded seven-stage model has also gained popularity. This model aims to provide a more detailed look at the emotional and psychological experience of grief.
The seven stages of grief include:
- Shock and Denial: A state of disbelief and emotional numbness.
- Pain and Guilt: A deep sense of sadness and guilt, often questioning if the loss could have been prevented.
- Anger and Bargaining: Lashing out and making promises to avoid or reverse the loss.
- Depression: A period of extreme feeling of sadness and withdrawal.
- The Upward Turn: A sense of emotional improvement, as the intensity of grief begins to reduce.
- Reconstruction and Working Through: An active effort to rebuild and adjust to life after the loss.
- Acceptance and Hope: Coming to terms with the loss and finding hope for the future.
Common Questions About the Stages of Grief
How Long Do the Stages of Grief Last?
There is no set time for how long each stage of grief lasts. The stages of grief can last days, weeks, months, or even years. Some individuals may experience one stage for a long time, while others may pass through the stages relatively quickly. The important thing to remember is that there is no “correct” way to grieve, and everyone’s journey through the stages of grief is unique.
Is It Possible to Skip or Repeat Stages?
Yes. The stages of grief are not linear, and it is entirely possible to skip certain stages or move back and forth between them. Some individuals may start grieving with a feeling of anger and then move into denial. Others may experience depression before reaching acceptance. The emotional journey of grief is highly individual, and it’s important to be gentle with yourself during this time.
Why Is Understanding the Stages of Grief Important?
Understanding the stages of grief helps to normalize the emotional experience that often comes with loss. By recognizing that grief is a process with different phases, individuals can feel less isolated and more prepared to deal with the emotions that arise. Additionally, understanding the stages of grief can help friends and family provide better support to those who are grieving.
Conclusion
The stages of grief, whether five or seven, provide a valuable framework for understanding the emotions that arise after a loss. These stages offer insight into the complexities of grief, helping individuals recognize their emotions, process their feelings, and eventually find acceptance. While no two experiences of grief are the same, knowing about the stages of grief can provide comfort and guidance during a time that can otherwise feel overwhelming and disorienting.
Grief is a deeply personal experience, and there’s no right or wrong way to go through it. If you find yourself struggling with grief, it’s important to reach out for support, whether that’s through friends, family, or professional counseling. Healing from loss is a journey, but with time, compassion, and support, it’s possible to navigate the stages of grief and move forward into a place of acceptance and hope.
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